KrsnaGuru teaches me to live in Faith.
My challenge on this path is to have Faith. And knowing this, His Maya stands ready to test me. For me, it can occur at a time when I feel there has been growth, then—BOOM! Just like that She rocks me.
Just recently, She sent me spinning. Riding high the thought, “This is under control,” rose up. It all felt comfortable, and then in an instant, it all seemed to fall apart. The weight of my emotions seemed oppressive and any sense of clarity went away. Just that quickly it felt like everything had changed.
For a couple of weeks, the energy and flow that I identify as my heart chakra had been waning and I began to entertain the idea that maybe my kundalini died, lol. This was not alarming in any way and I simply continued my practice.
All was moving along fine. Guruji was going to be traveling, so I would not be having any one-on-one Satsangs for a few weeks, and while this would have previously sent me in a tizzy all was going well. “Good, there has been growth,” I thought.
Oddly (to me) the feeling of being separated along with the oppressive emotions did not come until after my Guruji returned to KrsnAshram. Which to me is crazy, since I live in the USA, and whether Guruji is traveling or at the ashram, it is the same for me since I am not in physical contact with him either way.
So do you get this? He was away and I was fine, he returned and I fell apart. Despite trying to express my experience to Guruji, I did not think He understood the gravity of my experience nor did I find comfort in His words. In fact, when he conducted the on-line group Satang His words felt harsh and the depth of me ached. After group Satsang, I cried myself to sleep. In the early morning, I lit the candle and sat before my prayer stand.
To express my experience let me offer the following words:
I felt that the painful emotions and my doubt had struck my very core and brought me to a spiritual precipice. I called out to Guruji for help and it was as if the air from His words, like wind, swirled around and pushed me off.
As I was falling, there were many branches extending outward. Branches of Tantra, Hatha, and Advaita, but they did not belong to me. So I continued to fall, calling out again and again and still no help arrived. As I plummeted, many pains and sorrows wept out from me. When I had nothing left and nowhere to land He held me.
An individual’s test can come up when one is soaring high or plummeting down, just have Faith. God Bless!
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