A Karmically Slow Start

So, here it goes... Let me first state that I am a neophyte in this spiritual world and it is only with my KrsnaGuru's grace that I am writing.

Despite having been baptized as an infant and later given communion and confirmation as a child within the Catholic Church, I was quite unaware of God.  But when I was 9 years old, my father passed away from acute leukemia.  Within six months of his diagnosis, he was gone. His brothers, my uncles told me that God wanted my father to be with him at his right side. This was my first awareness of God. This God I felt did not care about me. This God took my father from me.  I did not care to know this merciless God.

Later, as a young person, I was fully immersed in the temperament of the time. The 1970's, in my area of America, brought a wave of self-centerness in adult parents fueled by a cultural acceptance of alcohol use that left a generation of adolescents unattended and without direction. Yet within me was the certainty that I was responsible for myself.  At thirteen years of age, I got my first job, and at fourteen years, I began attending summer school to gain the necessary credits to finish my high school education one year early. This was my plan. At sixteen years of age, I purchased my first car and believed that I controlled my future. The plan was a success, I gained acceptance into a state college and was about to finish my last high school session.  

For reasons unknown to me, my parents (mother and step father) decided that it would be better for me to attend one last year of high school. These two people who were not involved in my life made a life changing decision for me. My response was of anger and a devastating despair that lasted two years.  One year later, I returned to high school only to pick up my diploma. I left my family home at 17.  At times I was homeless, but I still held a job and by some grace, I met the woman who would help me navigate these trying times.

Sara Jane (twenty years my senior) was barely equipped to take care of herself, yet she was my guide. Devoid of common sense, her strengths were her intellect and heart. So for a few years I took care of her and she guided me to understand that there was more here than what could be superficially known. Sara Jane was divorced. Her children were raised by their father and his wife. Uninhibited and free from self-judgment, she taught me about love and acceptance. 

We lived in utter poverty at a boarding house with a common bathroom on each floor. There a group of intellectual misfits would gather. Discussions of historical, contemporary and imaginary matters lasted well into the night.  We lived on coffee, bread, butter, fruit and our common loneliness.

These were the years of the rising Feminist. A woman could now live her life without concern for the traditions that would set the way for marriage and children and instead she could unleash her female energy. And so, it was. For me these years were consumed by this uncontrolled energy wave.  Years of not knowing who or what I was took away the bits of me until I could not find my way. Always, I would feel an emptiness in me, which I could not fill. The sense of being incomplete plagued me. Exhausted, I finally selected a beautiful but dazed man with whom I created a family.  

The family was a temporary fix and a long time battle. The marriage fell apart over time and I was left with my two children to carve out a life for us. I did remarry in 1999, however, the hopeless lack of wholeness continued in my life until the fall of 2016.

So now I think, why would it have taken all these years to arrive at this point where I can begin to understand God in my life? Simply put, it is/was karma. Really, it is just that simple.

The profundity of the karmic straight jacket that enwrapped me has not been lost on me.  Every designed indignity and any joy I experienced was a debt paid for my release. Hearing the Flute of Truth in the words of my Spiritual Master, KrsnaKnows, has lifted me. It is only with the teachings of my KrsnaGuru that I can at last understand and it is through his grace alone, that I am able to practice a life that moves with the Dharma.

Through my Guru’s teachings I have learned of three types of karma.  Sanchita, the storehouse of your accumulated karma from past lives; Prarabdha karma, the portion of your sanchita karma that you are here to work off in this incarnation and Agami karma, the new future karma created during this incarnation which will be added to you sanchita karma.

While one could point to many reasons for my late start, the reasons are not as important as the fact that a progression has begun. Karma is action, and until the required action takes place there can be no release. Without the Grace of your Spiritual Master nothing opens.

This is my spiritual journey and you are welcome to come along.